Today is the day that I rededicate myself to recovery, that's what I decided yesterday, right?

 My first instinct this morning is to go pour myself a bowl of cereal and sit on the couch and eat it. But I know that by doing that, I tune out to my meal and do not pay attention to what I am eating. Even more than that, I don't eat a nutritious meal. I don't want it to be true that I cannot go back to my old patterns without falling back into my eating disorder. But I know this is the truth!

So today, I will go make an egg and a piece of toast and sit at the table. I want to say how pathetic that looks to put into words, that I will eat at a table but I know that being harsh to myself is without purpose. Are these the type of things that a person should have to say to themselves before they eat? No! I don't like to eat at the table because then I have to realize what I am eating and be in the moment with it.

Why am I working to get better? I need to remind myself.

• I want to feel whole
• I want to be a happy person so that I want to spend time with myself and others want to spend time with me.
• I want to have a baby, but not if I am unhealthy
• I've learned that I am more than my body, even though I am not able to take that thought in today. It s a lofty goal right now, but a possibility nonetheless.
• I want to see food as nourishment, not punishment or a reward to myself
• I want to be able to focus on more important matters such as my marriage, friendships, school, work and finding peace within myself.

So, is eating my meals on the couch a step in the direction of these goals? No it is not. That is a little victory for today and I'll take a little victory!

I'm 73% of the way to recovery, that's 2% less than yesterday. Some days my goal just feels so close and then I have days like today, when I can't figure out just what my goal is. I am confused about what I want and just what recovery means to me.

I binged today. It seems to be more often in the past couple of weeks. I had been doing so well and then I got cocky. I started to think that I could be lazy with my health and I lost my sense of what healing is to me. I've been looking for help, but I know that there is no help outside of myself. Instead, I busy myself with "the next big thing", that "thing" that is going to make me feel whole. Is it aikido classes, new friends, my new addiction to knitting (thanks Renfrew!), the blasted treadmill or new clothes? Do I really think these things are going to make me feel significant? The simple answer is no. But this isn't a simple question is it?

I know what I need to do. I need to get back in touch with why I want to heal. Those reasons I worked so hard on at Renfrew have not changed, I've just lost sight of them.

I am going to forgive myself for going astray today. Tomorrow is a new day and I know that I can honor my body more. For tonight, I'll breathe in, breathe out and let the guilt go. I am going to treat myself as I would my best friend, with empathy and compassion.

Namaste

Let's see if I am smart enough to post my first blog...