Today is the day that I rededicate myself to recovery, that's what I decided yesterday, right?

 My first instinct this morning is to go pour myself a bowl of cereal and sit on the couch and eat it. But I know that by doing that, I tune out to my meal and do not pay attention to what I am eating. Even more than that, I don't eat a nutritious meal. I don't want it to be true that I cannot go back to my old patterns without falling back into my eating disorder. But I know this is the truth!

So today, I will go make an egg and a piece of toast and sit at the table. I want to say how pathetic that looks to put into words, that I will eat at a table but I know that being harsh to myself is without purpose. Are these the type of things that a person should have to say to themselves before they eat? No! I don't like to eat at the table because then I have to realize what I am eating and be in the moment with it.

Why am I working to get better? I need to remind myself.

• I want to feel whole
• I want to be a happy person so that I want to spend time with myself and others want to spend time with me.
• I want to have a baby, but not if I am unhealthy
• I've learned that I am more than my body, even though I am not able to take that thought in today. It s a lofty goal right now, but a possibility nonetheless.
• I want to see food as nourishment, not punishment or a reward to myself
• I want to be able to focus on more important matters such as my marriage, friendships, school, work and finding peace within myself.

So, is eating my meals on the couch a step in the direction of these goals? No it is not. That is a little victory for today and I'll take a little victory!